My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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