the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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