so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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