I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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