Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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