I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize