I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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