WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
