In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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