Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
