I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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