sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
