My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
