i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
