go do what you do best...puke behind churches
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
