I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
