i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
