Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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