filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
