the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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