my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
