Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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