I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
