I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
