You're so nebulous sometimes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
