My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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