If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
