I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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