and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
