I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
