when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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