I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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