Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
