if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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