Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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