Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
