Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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