im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
