Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
