good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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