I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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