I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize