I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
