OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
