the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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