dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I believe in your delicious
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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