how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
