I wish my penis had an off switch
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
