the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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