I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize