when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
