omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
