Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
