i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
