the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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