He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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