Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
